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September 5th, 2019

sleep

Unexplained Bruising & Rage

Something happened the night of the 4th. That's the only time period I can't account for in this...

I got dressed this morning and didn't pay attention, so I missed it until I got UNDRESSED this evening for bed.

I found bruises on my upper left thigh in the front. Multiple finger-sized bruises. No where else on my body. And there is NO reason for them. I haven't gone anywhere or done anything that could explain them.

I'm getting better at this. I took a pic as soon as I saw this (blackened area for privacy reasons because it's by my pubis):


The photo doesn't do it justice though. These bruises are deep and purple and over a 6 inch by 8 inch area!

I went over and over and OVER my memory, trying to recall a time when I could have hurt myself-- but there's nothing there!

And I feel angry about it. Like... it's hard to describe. Just when I think it's over-- some shit like this pops out of nowhere.

To be blunt, I don't know what this is. Somehow, overnight, like magic, I got these bruises. Except it wasn't magic-- it was something physical that touched me too harshly.

The night of the 4th I was scared to go to sleep. I put it off until past 1 am. I slept fitfully. Then I got up early, all nervous.

Related to this? Not? I don't know. I just know I'm documenting it because I promised myself I would-- no matter how bad it makes me feel or how foolish, or confused, or angry.

UPDATE: I went around the house looking for counters and various objects I could possible have run into and not recalled... but nothing matched. Everything I found was either too tall or too short to explain the bruising. I even tried to hit myself on the right side to match it with wild gestures-- and I couldn't reproduce a single bruise! Apparently, that part of my body is not very easily bruised at all. So... I'm out of other explanations.