Log in

Previous 10

May. 19th, 2017


Bedquakes-- Comparing Another Report

Okay-- I found another blog post about waking up to a shaking bed and thinking it was an earthquake-- but after checking discovered it wasn't.

That post here: http://spirals-end.livejournal.com/39249.html

I believe that was the last time that I experienced that... I think...

Happened a lot more often in my teens and 20s, but much less often in the last decade and a half. I tend to err on the side of caution that I'm mistaken when I have one or two incidents that are suspicious. By the third time within an short period though-- yeah, I need to pay attention!

An abductee friend who does not know what the house looks like where I live had an odd vision the night after the bedquake incident, where she saw a disk over my house and 2 shadowy figures leaving the house in a speeded up time movement. She drew a sketch of the house as best she could remember-- and it was eerily similar! She knew the garage, front door, and a single dormer were all on the left side of the house (if you looked at it from the road.) The same night she saw this I was unable to get to sleep at ALL. I felt too amped up and nervous, so I gave up and stayed awake until after 8 am when I knew a roomie was up (and home from work.) Then I took a 3 hour nap.

Last night I slept great! Tonight-- not so much. I also had an emotional meltdown earlier today when my PTSD kicked in from a noise trigger... I even dissociated a little. Very disturbing...

May. 17th, 2017


PTSD & Behavior: Why Abductees Can Be So Difficult

Still reading Trauma by Dr. Gordon Turnbull. I'm now in the last third of the book, and very much appreciating some of the newer insights he offers towards the end.

Again, I compare what he's discovered to my own experience of PTSD, especially the crazy-making alien abduction end of things, but even just for the negative family issues I had growing up.

Turnbull discusses how chronic PTSD (the kind that lasts for years) begins as a survival mechanism and only becomes a mental illness when one gets stuck or trapped in time long after the traumatic incident or events are past. He likens it to anti-virus software: very effective at its job, but it slows down the hardware in the meantime. When you no longer need it, it creates more problems than it solves. Complex PTSD is what they call PTSD from repeated traumas over a duration. Each negative event or encounter sets the brain to be more likely to react and over-react the next time. The more 'next times' there are, the more entrenched the PTSD becomes, and subsequently harder to treat as well.

Developmental PTSD is what they call it when trauma occurs in children and adolescents, and it is also a persistent condition that is difficult to treat. Turnbull explains that when a child is repeatedly traumatized by an abuser, their emotional maturity ceases to develop. This explains, he says, why therapists see middle-aged people who act like children when placed under stress. Anything that triggers someone with Developmental PTSD throws them right back to childhood, because they never reached emotional maturity. They can't get beyond the point where the D-PTSD began because the world taught them it's not safe to take risks enough to explore new strategies in life.

A single trauma can be shaken off easily for children if they return to a safe and normal life. However, for victims of chronic abuse growing up, it is "the repetition, the drip-drip-drip of negativity and fear, that causes the child to give up." What children and teens of abuse find, sadly, is that they have no power over the situation to make their lives better. No modification of their own behavior makes a difference, no adaptation seems to work. And so they deal as best they can, helpless to change their lives, and feeling hopeless about the future. They pull back, doing the minimum necessary to get to the next day, and the next, and the next-- and find themselves later in life stuck in the same habits, making it difficult to assert themselves or dare to stick their necks out.

In adulthood, "helplessness during and after a traumatic event was as much responsible for its lingering persistence in sufferers as the impact of the original trauma itself." Anything that makes us feel powerless instigates and exacerbates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Turnbull talks about the 3 top coping mechanisms that children in extreme circumstances use:

~ Hysteria, which is the over-reaction of a temper tantrum combined with fear.
~ Paranoia, which comes from the childish feeling of persecution or being at the center of the universe in a bad way.
~ Obessive-complusive disorder, which is a type of magical thinking (that rituals keep evil away).

Such trauma victims, moreover, are extremely difficult to deal with compared to other adults when the chips are down. They are often inconsolable, and don't seem to be able to participate in meaningful discussions and compromising agreements as you would expect adults to do...

So they're (we're) a bunch of paranoid, drama-queen, control freaks!

To add to this, PTSD becomes more entrenched and difficult to treat for people that undergo especially bizarre events during the traumatic event. Turnbull gives the example of several people who had out-of-body experiences during bad accidents or when physically attacked. Being a materialist, he doesn't believe the soul actually leaves the body (as I do) but thinks its a mechanism of the brain which he and several others believe has an image of itself that somehow gets fucked up... But regardless, he and other therapists have noted that those who had to deal with something their rational mind couldn't comprehend, and therefore come to terms with enough to move on, tend to get stuck wondering if they've touched death or are crazy. It has been noted that such cases bring a lot of issues with short-term memory and concentration. It is as if a part of their mental narration can't come up with a meaning to make sense of the odd event and so must revolve around the lack of understanding over and over again-- no answers come, so that part of the brain just circles the question mark in their heads forever.

In addition, traumatic memories are stored differently in the brain than normal memories. They get locked into the non-verbal, non-conscious, subcortical regions. More astonishing still, in a neuro-imaging lab, the results demonstrated that the brains of victims of PTSD showed reduced function in the left, pre-frontal cortex, particularly Brocca's area, rthe part of the brain where speech and thought-processing occur! This is why speech therapies alone do not seem to do much good. Worse, the part of your brain you NEED to process the trauma in order to 'complete' the memory and set it aside is exactly the part of the brain that is damaged by PTSD!

In my own case, my therapist was impressed with my maturity and adult coping skills and believed that my imagination (I lived other lives in my head through fantasy growing up and indeed to this day) and my lifelong journaling are probably responsible for saving me from some of the problems of someone with Complex Developmental PTSD with recurring re-triggering throughout my life. I write so much and I've done it for so long (since the age of 8) that I have a brain with overly-developed speech and thought processing skills. Yay for me, right?

Yeah... maybe when my life is more stable! Before and during the divorce I could feel myself sliding into some very odd and juvenile places. I was hysterical, and paranoid, and obsessive-compulsive! I made myself write about a little of it to help me out later, but it was difficult to write well or often about anything. I couldn't think. I couldn't wonder. I could only repeat rituals over and over (literally pacing in circles either obsessing over what was happening or listening to podcasts to try to take a break from my obsessions.) I became like an overwrought teenager, and there was no rationalizing my way out of that primitive place! My brain took over and I was just THERE. It was highly dismaying for me, as normally I use my words and thoughts to figure things out and problem-solve.

The 2 biggest symptoms of PTSD are at the total ends of the spectrum of attention: either hyper-arousal or dissociation. One researcher and therapist, Bessel Van der Kolk, described this as the "paradoxical conundrum" at the heart of trauma. Traumatized people are either hyper-vigilant to avoid repeats and memories of their trauma, or never feel anything at all about it, swinging relentlessly between the two extremes. For those who don't know how this works (like cops talking to a raped woman) misunderstandings abound.

I remember during my 30s when I had my bad depression and PTSD symptoms. I got some counseling and was diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I had no idea how checked out I was (aside from brain-fog from my illness, that is) until I went over the diagnostic criteria with "Nichols." I scored very high on the dissociative scale, even almost a year after my depression was over!

This is what the brain does when overwhelmed: it shuts feelings off in order to conserve energy that is being pulled out of the body-system much faster than it can be replenished. This is one reason why it has been found that going over one's traumatic memories ONCE while in a calm state (easier said than done, which is why I'm excited about trials of this using Ecstasy) may work, but repeatedly going over and over and over them just seems to re-traumatize the victim.

In SO many ways, people with PTSD are fucked both coming and going, inside-out, upside-down, and backwards!

Now apply all of the above to alien abductees...

Nearly all (but for adults taken due to proximity to other abductees) have been taken and abused repeatedly while helpless since childhood, over and over. They are not believed and often have no one they can trust to talk over anything that ever happens to them. They dare not tell for fear of being labeled falsely and receiving 'therapy' that addresses the wrong issues and compounds their trauma-- which tends to include paranoia and phobias revolving around medical personnel to begin with! They can't remember much, but what they do remember is so awful, it is often better to shove it aside and pretend it never happens until the aliens return and force them to deal with shit all over again.

There is no more perfect a recipe for churning out horrific PTSD than THIS.
Complex, developmental, chronic and/or recurring PTSD.

Which is why I think the abduction 'scene' is so highly charged. Abductees are often very fragile and yet explosively reactive people. They weren't born that way, but repeated abductions and intrusions into their homes, their beds, their bodies, and their very MINDS harmed them so much that they have multiple issues. I have multiple issues.

It can be difficult to be compassionate towards us as a group, even if you are one of us...

I think of my ex-husband and his paranoia, hysteria, and control-freak behaviors. Those terms describe his problems to the core. Yet he didn't engage in self-work as I have. He rarely wrote about anything except for a brief period in his late teens and early 20s, and most of that was in letters to me and various other pen pals. When he stopped writing, he stopped developing emotionally. I saw it happen for myself. His pen pal period moved him forward a great deal, which was needed because he was behind in emotional development-- so once he stopped, he never got any better. When I married him, it was just after he had stopped writing altogether and I had no idea how much of a difference my continued improvement would alienate us from one another over time. We really weren't that different when we got together-- side by side basket cases I'd say! But I kept pushing for improvement because I couldn't stand being stuck in dysfunction. I wanted better.

I also think of my on-again, off-again stalker and tormentor, an abductee I met in the 90s I will simply refer to as "K." (I've called her far less flattering things...) She fits the criteria of hysterical, paranoid, and controlling as well. When I met with her regularly, she was in her mid-30s, and I in my mid-20s, and yet she seemed like a teenager emotionally, the same as myself. She did not handle normal life stresses well, and was chronically ill (also just like me) and her husband has had to support her, despite her high intelligence and excellent education. Her various conditions made her so dysfunctional that she was entirely dependent upon assistance outside her own power-- and again, I can relate to this only too well. (I was very close to her for a time when we first met because I'd never met anyone who was so much like me in such specific ways.)

When events transpired in the 90s and my ex and I 'outed' her bad behavior to Budd Hopkins (she was a rep for his Intruders Foundation) she retaliated, smearing our reputations to many that she met (as several of them reported to me at the time or later) and even 18 years later either she, or someone she influenced very purposefully, came after us again-- after Budd died so we had no more protector in authority to discourage such acts of revenge. I've hesitated to write candidly about that situation which happened several years ago directly due to a desire to avoid further retaliation from her, but it galls me greatly even today. I wonder if she's still following me, reading my posts even now and scanning for evidence of any transgressions on my part.

I discovered that shortly after the threatening letter we got, she started going after another abductee, a woman whose initials are "L.M." It began because LM freaked out when someone used drawings and art she'd produced to describe aliens without permission, and asked K to take her own material off K's site. K got pissed about this. (I personally think a lot of us who can't draw very well use images we find on the internet to help show things we otherwise can't describe, so it was kind of over-reactive of LM. HOWEVER--! I also know that many of us have weird issues revolving control and so forth, and so I would always comply with another abductee's request to take down their art, or stories, or whatever, if asked.) K did as asked after being pressured, but took it personally-- which was also not reasonable.

Then things got ugly between them. K lied about LM, going so far as to slander her, and LM had to go to 2 different law firms to stop the harassment that K had unleashed upon her-- which included minions from other parts of the world going on the attack on her behalf. The police got involved with both women charging harassment-- though only one was guilty of it if you ask me. Due to my own recent involvement with K (or her minion) at the time, I followed the events and the posted blogs of both women. It was one of many, MANY such dramas that seem to erupt from abductees and/or with researchers (who are also often abductees, by the way) with disquieting regularity. I can't tell you how many abductees get involved in the community looking for support who end up attacked by other abductees over something most would think petty, who consequently run away from the whole 'scene' and never return.

Not all abductees are pricks and bitches, by the way, far from it. But we all seem to have areas where we just lose it, and as most people don't understand PTSD and what it does to brains quite outside conscious control, few make allowances for us and our crazy issues. And a lot of us are more than a little crazy. Not in the way that skeptics would say (hallucinating or deluded, lying or attention-seeking) but PTSD makes a person crazy in other ways. Researchers don't like to talk about anything that would tarnish the reputations of this group of people more than it already is, though, so they tend to gloss over this over-arching issue and assure everyone that we're 'normal.'

Uh... no. I've never met a totally normal abductee. Some have better facades of normalcy constructed for public consumption, but under the surface there are cracks.

Those abductees who are my friends all have one major thing in common which seems to alleviate the trama-triggered behavior: they are all writers and/or speakers. Some of us examine our experiences at some point in depth in either writing or speech or both. This seems to prevent, heal, or otherwise alleviate the difficult behavior that we would otherwise be prone to- but not rid us of it altogether.

K writes as well, but I suspect that her abductions are more traumatic, and not just by aliens, but by some quasi-military group of humans that have a very bad reputation for using both drugs and torture to bypass alien-induced amnesia to get at intel. The ends justify the means for these guys, and my own limited contact with MILABS or RE-ABS convinces me that human-induced trauma far surpasses what the aliens do brain-damage wise. The aliens get extra PTSD causing credit for the memory-suppression and being so bizarre we can't understand them-- both issues that exacerbate trauma, but military human abductions are purposely negative and by our own people and less excusable in my opinion. Just doing my own research seems to show that people with MILABS/RE-ABS are indeed more 'messed up' than even your typical abductee. It is not their fault, I must emphasize, but few are getting the help they really need. It is hard to get therapy for a secret more shameful and likely to be disbelieved than even incest.

We're all terribly hurt, and full of pain and rage because of it. That comes out at times, eventually. It can't NOT come out.

How many terrible rants have I gone on in my many journal entries? How outraged have I become, over and over again? I'm overly aware of issues of justice and have a very hard time letting go of anger and angst. Most of the time, I like to think I'm pretty mature and cool about things, but hit a trigger and... BLAM! I usually withdraw and isolate, but I also lash out vindictively. I've really worked on this, because I don't like the shame I feel when I lose it. I came so far and was so stable for such a long time, and then the events before and during my divorce illustrated to me just how easy it is for me to backslide and descend into juvenile over-reactions once more.

Most of all, we're fucking scared and that just retards growth on so many levels. I feel like fear has been my inner-bully nearly all my life. Most of my decisions until well into adulthood revolved around fear. I am still limited by it most days.

I write all this knowing that most abductees either can't or dare not write themselves. I write because I want to help others in the ways I was helped or wish I was helped. I write to express and expel the pain, fear, and rage. I write to make sense of subjects so mysterious and confusing that few can agree on any PART of it, let alone find a big picture to assign meaning. I write out of compassion for both myself and others in similar shoes. I write to indulge the curiosity in others who wonder about this, because I'm wildly curious myself.

I write because it is needed and not enough people are writing about it. There is a group of people trapped by the misfortune to be taken who deserve better lives and someone, somewhere, needs to talk about this. The worst thing about the drama that erupts between abductees is that it shuts down conversation and stops the crucial processing that every one of us needs to come to terms with living in this twisted reality we're subjected to regularly. I'm scared of retaliation by other abductees, or by aliens, or by those quasi-military dudes-- and so I write in defiance of my fear.

I'm tired of feeling gagged by fear. So here it is-- my wee act of rebellion. I do it out of love, but also out of anger and for revenge. If that seems complicated to you, welcome to my world. But mostly I write because it HELPS. I feel better to the extent that the reward overcomes the risk of punishment. Every entry is a small triumph, and I need every triumph I can get, because being an abductee with PTSD means I don't get very many of those. None of us do.

May. 12th, 2017


Waking To A Bedquake

Things were a little odd two nights ago, and because of that, I paid attention to anything unusual that happened afterwards.

Well... something unusual happened last night.

First a preface: the area west of Seattle (around Bremerton) is having an earthquake swarm right now. Most 1 to 3 points on the scale, but a couple of 3.5s and a 4 point. I don't recall feeling any of them, but some people in my area felt the bigger ones.

Last night around 2ish or so, I woke up, my heart pounding, to a shaking bed! I immediately thought it was an earthquake, given the news around here lately. It felt like a near-by 3 pointer (like a train or big truck rumbling by) and I was astonished but not shocked, given that we've had 40 earthquakes in the last couple of weeks near-by (most far too small to feel.)

I was very drowsy, despite my adrenaline rush and pounding heart (mind you, I woke up to this, as if I'd had a nightmare, but I hadn't even been dreaming). I fell asleep again quite quickly. But I made note of it, all the same, and at least thought to sit up in bed and look around the room. I could feel my bed shaking very distinctively, and saw my cat was sleeping through this, apparently unconcerned. When I looked around the room, however, nothing else was moving! Just me and my bed...

I probably should have added "waking up in a shaking bed" as another sign of a likely abduction because of how many times that's happened to me and others I know during flaps. I haven't had the experience in at least 3 years, though-- I completely forgot about it. Last night, I was so tired that I just preferred to believe it was an earthquake, even though-- you guessed it-- I checked the next morning and there were no earthquakes anywhere near me at that time that I could have felt. The last one was just after midnight, and the next well after 6 am-- nothing in between, so... that wasn't the cause of the bed shaking.

Here I have been discussing these things so objectively because they're not happening to me, but then that just may have changed. I have to be honest, though-- I kind of still don't believe it. That's the denial thing I talked about... when it first starts up, I keep looking for every excuse and potential alternate explanation I can. I suppose that's wise-- better than being paranoid that 'the aliens are a-comin' to git me' at the slightest noise or dream!

However, part of my deal with myself is that I faithfully record ALL weird things that fit the abduction pattern, even if I prefer not to dwell on it much or doubt the reality of another flap starting up now. It never seems possible at first. I seem to have to be convinced every single time that it is actually happening again. Eventually, something happens that I can't dismiss easily and I finally get with the program, but until that definable moment comes--? I doubt and hedge my bets.

Bedquakes. Probably shouldn't just let myself fall asleep again like I did last night!

May. 11th, 2017


Self Signal Tripped

There is probably nothing to this, but in the name of full disclosure and vigilance, I'm reporting it all the same: I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. My normal insomnia wasn't the culprit I don't think-- instead, I felt sort of wild for something new, despite how sleepy I was. I kept searching through apps (something I very rarely do) looking for an alternate reality game or something. It was obsessive and I couldn't seem to stop needing a version of another world to cross this one. It was weird. (Led to some odd places in my online searches, too, let me tell you...)

I was wakened by chickens bitching up a storm around 6am, and Cat and I had a short conversation about it as she was heading out the door. Her mom left an hour later, but I was finally sleeping and missed it.

The 'thing' I'm reporting is that one of my signals to myself if anything's happened with aliens is a stuffed green alien toy that sits on a shelf was turned around to face the books instead of facing out like I swear it was when I fell asleep. I haven't found any other signs (on my body or otherwise) and so its not much. A kitten could have tried to move it and just turned it around maybe..? Except no cats in my room last night except Jazz, and she's frankly too fat to get on that shelf. Or maybe I did it earlier-- except I don't remember doing so, and I noticed it first thing after awakening, like I knew to look to that shelf, which is a bit suspicious!

Maybe a one off this morning? It had to have happened after 7am, because I was deeply asleep and I just now woke up and it was nearly noon- when I normally wake up between 7 and 9. I'm pretty sure I remember checking the time after a dream and it was after 9 on my ipod, so... that narrows the window.

Again, I don't remember anything untoward, but there was a couple of odd things that grabbed my attention, so I think that mentioning this now in case more happens later is wise.

LATER EDIT: I should mention too that my left butt cheek and upper thigh have been really hurting like I massively pulled leg muscles. I could barely walk today. The thing is, I didn't strain anything yesterday and I went to sleep in bed just fine-- no issues at all. Here it is 9pm and my ass still hurts! I still have no idea if it could be anything, as I have zero recall of anything other than a slightly off-kilter night and morning.

May. 7th, 2017


PTSD & Meaning- Why Turning Trauma Into Useful Lessons Helps

Sometimes, when reading a book or seeing a movie or something, I find myself on a little mini-intellectual journey of discovery. Right now, I'm reading the book, Trauma, by Gordon Turnbull, and it's giving me lots of food for thought. I appreciate it's as much a biography of his years studying PTSD as it is a fundamental explanation of what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is, how it develops, and how to cure it. Turnbull doesn't write carefully for victims or laypeople and dance around the subject like many self-help books do. He explains how they came to discover the brain itself goes through processes that lead to PTSD and what you have to do to re-program the brain. Or maybe I should say "de-program the brain."

The good news is, this writing and sharing habit of mine is perhaps one of the best ways to process emotions to alleviate PTSD as it permits the conscious mind to come to grips with often harsh realities and find meaning and purpose behind those realities. Once the mind feels there was a reason for things, and that life can continue on-- perhaps a bit more grim but at least more wise-- it can move on, integrating the traumatic event. PTSD tends to happen when the event was so overwhelming and senseless that it over-turns an individual's entire reality. That can happen to anyone, of course, but those exposed to prior traumas are more prone to being over-whelmed again.

If a person gets an opportunity within the first month of the trauma to go over everything in detail, parse it all out, talk about it, and realize what happened and why-- even if they were very upset at the event, they do not tend to develop PTSD. Even if they DO exhibit symptoms of PTSD, in that first month they can shed it simply finding ways to think about and "file away for use later" their memories. If, however, they are chastised, ridiculed, dismissed or otherwise find they lose social support rather than having it offered, PTSD is almost guaranteed, because the feeling of abandonment and betrayal by others towards them when they are at their most vulnerable is such a hurt to endure that their mind reels and they lose the ability to categorize the events that began the problems in the first place.

You can just imagine how difficult this can be for abductees in our current culture! There are few people one feels safe discussing the most harrowing and mind-bending of events with! One reason I advocate so strongly that every abductee needs to find at least one other abductee to talk to, even if its just to have them on hand when shit starts up for a new flap of activity. We all need to have at least one other human being to compare notes with, and share anger and fear with, just to feel like we have an anchor in a maelstrom of wild ocean. We're already helpless and facing unbelievably reality-shaking encounters, to go it alone completely is a recipe for unrelenting horror during flaps and shaky neurotic issues and dissociation during quiet periods.

This need to find meaning underneath the terror and hardship may be hardwired into us, since it can be such a useful coping mechanism. It may be why people say that "God is testing us" or that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." If you feel that, in the end, you survived and learned something useful, then perhaps you can come out feeling like a victorious survivor instead of a helpless victim.

I personally hate those kinds of sayings, because I've seen them used, over and over again, to demean those who haven't integrated their own trauma in a useful way. These things are either said by people who have successfully overcome hardships, or-- more annoyingly, by people who have never faced a real life or mind-threatening challenge who are just parroting things they've heard and taken to be gospel truth. These types of sayings, when used dismissively to judge those who aren't coming out on top of it, actually haunt people who are struggling.

There is some truth to the sayings in limited circumstances. A one-off traumatic event, when dealt with in a healthy manner, does indeed build resilience and strength. The individual feels like they met the challenge well and feel more confident they may do just as well in the future. A crisis in the community where people come together often builds trust, shows the capacity for creative solutions for survival, and brings out the best in people. Unfortunately, this is where the conventional wisdom ends...

Studies have demonstrated that repeated traumas that happen, especially to children or teenagers, are guaranteed to break down the will, the personality, and the ability to adapt or trust the world. Even in adults, repeated exposure to abuse, war (as an unarmed civilian), or unexplained and terrifying encounters does assuredly NOT build strong people "of character." Rather, the repeated exposure, by demonstrating just how little power the person has, diminishes character, erodes confidence, and shreds the quality of life. Reality and relationships become something to endure, not something to enjoy. Everything the child, youth, or adult tries just seems to reinforce the notion that they have no power to change anything.

In psychology, I've studied the phenomenon known as "learned helplessness." Essentially, this is when repeated bad luck or abuse teach an individual that they have no choices in life. Which, for periods of time, is absolutely true. The problem is that when and if an opportunity to 'escape' or better their circumstances should arise, they find themselves so lacking self-confidence and trust in the world that they are then unable to take advantage of it. "It will all turn to shit anyways, and then I'll be punished on top of it," they think. Many loved ones and professionals have found themselves at wit's end when confronted by such a 'defeatist' attitude!

But it is not the choice of the victim. At the point where they surrender permanently to an ongoing life of defeat and suffering, their brain has taken over and decided to devote it's full social and emotional capacity to gritty survival. Each day is a calculation of what one must do to make it another day in hell. Plans to escape or reform the hell are abandoned. History has taught the brain that such efforts are fruitless, and anyway, our brains are also wired to conserve energy.

The good news is, however, that all is not lost forever, even in cases such as this. Compassion, patience, understanding from others and receiving new ideas and resources can help pull victims out of their dark circumstances and teach them anew that it IS possible to change things up and have a little power over their own lives. The world may not be so hostile and indifferent as they imagine after all...

Regardless, in the end, they have to find a way to make sense of what has happened to them. Some find it through religion, others through philosophy, still others just come to believe in an element of nobility in the human condition that can overcome. We cannot "move on" or "get past it" without assigning meaning or some sort of useful lesson to explain "Why did this happen to me?" Without that, it seems our brains cannot just shrug and walk away. Indeed, our brains are built to ruminate and examine and obsess over every bit of minutia to a trauma in order to have some confidence that a repeat event will not go down as badly should there be a next time. Logic doesn't matter-- what matters to the brain is a STORY that makes sense of it all.

We humans are built to understand narratives. Stories are everything to us. Why else would be we so enraptured by fiction? In it, we find not only escape from our own lives, but a useful comparison to learn ways to improve our lives, or at least our understanding of our lives.

Therefore, writing down our experiences of terror and horror, or sharing them verbally, helps us to feel not so up in the air and confused by often utterly bewildering events. God doesn't hate us, He/She is merely testing us and we pulled through. The Fates are not out to destroy us, rather they are forcing us to look at new areas and expand our lives. Of course, the objective truth can get utterly lost while meaning is assigned right, left, and center!

Which is another irritating issue! On the one hand, we need to find a meaning to things in the NOW for us to successfully integrate traumatic events, but on the other hand, ultimately we need to find out what is REALLY going on because it may be the most important thing to ever happen in human history, and all these false narratives, as comforting as they may be, are getting in the way!

I suppose I need to remember to be patient with other abductees assigning meaning pre-maturely to their experiences. They need to in order to stay emotionally fit, or to move themselves towards emotional fitness. Researchers who are not abductees themselves should understand this need and not get too attached to any one interpretation of the data. Its very human to desire a quick and easy answer, but it can do more harm than good to succumb to the temptation, as understandable as it is.

In the meanwhile, my way of creating meaning is to share my memories and dig down to uncover some tidbits that can be turned into useful lessons that I can also share and perhaps help others in my shoes, or help those not in my shoes to have some broader understanding and compassion for all us similarly shod! I can't quite get my more logical self to shut up about not trusting comforting narratives, so I can't accept the easier answers. I don't know the answers, and, while I love to speculate (who doesn't?) I require a lot more evidence to feel truly safe trusting in any particular ultimate meaning.

Compromise! When I have two sides to this duking it out in my own head, I sometimes have to just find a compromise to make it all work out eventually. =^)

I guess this means I'm on the right track. Maybe sometimes that's enough, to just be taking steps in a healthier direction than before.  <-- See that? I just found a useful lesson, assigned meaning, plucked a reason for it all out of the ether. Way to go, Me!

May. 5th, 2017


PTSD & Avoidance- Why Sharing Memories Is Challenging

I feel I owe at least a small apology for being late every week in the last month on my Friday entries. I went through my stash of pre-written coping strategy posts and now I'm on the home stretch of memories left to share. It is both very exciting to have seen this all the way through, but also much more difficult at times than I expect.

I've been having health issues that sometimes delay me, but the other problem is that there are times when I just can't write about my memories. It is a necessary step for psychological healing, of that I am convinced. But some days I can't handle it, and I put it off until both body and mind are up for the challenge. Hence the delays.

I picked up a book this weekend called Trauma by Dr. Gordon Turnbull, who established the PTSD programs in the UK in the late '80s and early '90s for the military there before going into private practice. (America had a head start dealing with it due to Vietnam.) It gave me some new angles with which to regard the alien abduction caused PTSD.

One thing Turnbull talked about were the essentials of how PTSD works-- flashbacks, nightmares, and avoidance of reminders that could re-trigger the trauma reaction.

This is important to note because it is difficult to convey to others how dreadful it can be to really face and recount memories that are less than pleasant. I think most abductees desperately try to forget (or deny, or dissociate, or set aside) their abduction flap periods and the scraps of memories they are left with... Who wants to think about being mind-fucked, body-invaded, life-intruded and reality-upended? It seems like there is a window during and right afterwards where we want to discuss these things and then it closes and what we want is to forget and get on with life. Even if the PTSD doesn't go away nearly as conveniently as our desire to forget about the events that caused it!

I'm bucking the trend in order to leave a record 'for posterity'-- but more than that, I want to make sure I have formally acknowledged and integrated my memories so that they serve me in a useful manner when and if there is a 'next time.' I don't want to feel like I'm suddenly tossed into a nightmare all over again afresh, and as crazy as it may seem, that is what it often feels like. We can get so good at forgetting (even the stuff that was remembered initially) in order to survive and move on with our lives that a new abduction period can be devastating. "Not THIS again!" doesn't even begin to cover it!

It is also important to carefully go over traumatic memories in detail ONCE in order to process the emotions behind them. There is a massive issue attempting this given that the vast majority of our abductions are not consciously remembered, obviously! However, doing what one can with what they have is at least a start. Too, there is a lot of repetition with abductions. If you remember sitting on a plastic-like rounded bench in a white, foggy corridor once, you've probably done it dozens of times! If you've gone through a hole once, or been lifted up and through solid walls or windows once, or confronted an alien over how you've been treated once... well, you get the idea! So there is value in going over what I do actually remember and coming to an understanding of it... somehow.

My hope is to lessen my PTSD overall, and to build up resilience and resistance to further abductions that I must assume will come back to me sooner or later. I don't want to be fighting shock, denial, outrage and surrender the same way over and over again. I can only change up my reactions and find better ways to meet what is coming if I fully integrate these events. I am not like most other people with PTSD. I am a former hostage who knows she will be a hostage again, and again, and again. But never when or for how long. And always knowing I will be alone when it happens as I can't ask authorities for help-- they have no power over my abductors. It really fucks with my head and heart.

In the last few weeks, I've begun to feel much better psychologically since my divorce. However, just now my reaching a feeling of security in my normal life is allowing for a cascade of sleep disturbances and nightmares regarding my divorce to surface, and so I'm dealing with feelings I couldn't face during that period (as I was deluged and drowning in all the feelings as it was!) That added stress from a different area of life on top of facing abduction memories can be overwhelming.

Now I find that I'm much more resistant to diving back down into these memories enough to look them up, read my notes, and then re-write them in a comprehensive way that spells out the entire memory and my feelings about it. Knowing I only have a few more major incidents to report is a big help. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It remains a tremendous challenge these days all the same.

I WILL finish my task. I am committed. However, I do hope you'll understand and be patient with me if I find I'm struggling a bit through this process just now. Some days, or periods of days, I can't quite face up to writing about these memories!

I shall keep giving myself goals to meet, however, because at least that keeps momentum moving forward, and I DO manage to write my memories down eventually--if a few days to a week late. I'm slowed down a bit, but still stubborn as ever.

So the events at Sherry's will be told Friday the 12th this time-- hopefully!

Apr. 28th, 2017


10 Years Ago I Was Wild Theory Woman

Before I started At Spiral's End to share memories and discuss esoteric subjects, I had another LiveJournal that touched on much wilder reality-bending speculations based on all kinds of notions rattling around in my head that combined with some awesome free thinkers who really stretched their paradigms.

That version of a blog only lasted a few posts, most written in August 2007, but a couple of straggler entries going up to May of 2008.


Thanks to some random bot spam, I got an email that reminded me of this blog from WAY back. A poor little abandoned thing that nonetheless had lots of potential had I stuck to it for much longer. It was always meant to be a short-term presentation type of thing, more for group discussion than for me to proselytize. Alas, it neither gathered the following necessary for the wild discussions I was looking for, nor did it survive some harsh social and psychological troubles I was facing at the time...

August 2007 I was still "high" off my 2-year abduction and warping reality flap. I was getting all kinds of paranormal experiences, one after another, during that time, and between bits of memory of talks with aliens and actual bizarre experiences, I was hip-deep in esoterica. Meanwhile, the aliens had urged us to move OUT of Ohio (for the second time at that!) and back to Oregon-- and we did move in October of 2007. Then came a couple of rough years while Gerick and I tried to rebuild a life for ourselves yet again.

I'm posting a link to this here and on Patreon mainly to point out what happens to abductees during flaps -- we start to enthusiastically research all things weird and speculate like mad about subjects like the nature of reality and some upcoming FUTURE that will be intrinsically different than anything we're used to now. Reading these posts, nearly 10 years later, reminds me of that mind state. It comes with the flap-- not right away every time; it may take weeks or months to reach this level of... mania for all things paranormal as well as cutting edge scientific theories of the more radical kind, but it comes with every episode of increased contact and reality-bending experiences. And the reality bending stuff (hauntings and freaky coincidences and psychic dreams of the future and bouts of telepathy, and seeing crypto-creatures and/or odd people or other beings) comes pretty much on cue as soon as the aliens have visited more than once.

I think it's important to take a moment to appreciate what these experiences do to people psychologically and intellectually. In my case, it's clear that I become eager to investigate alternate explanations for many anomalies (and less cautious about jumping to conclusions) and begin to apply some way-out notions to explain some of what I've been experiencing. There is an energy underneath one's mental state that seems to prevent curiosity from lessening for a time. You can't shrug anything away, you feel compelled to LOOK and DIG for answers! It can become a bit of an obsession-- a secret sideline to your daily life that may not be shared with those who could potentially judge you for suddenly getting into many fringe areas. The internet makes this so much easier, too! I remember how before the net I would haunt libraries and check out all the latest speculative non-fiction books, I also went through old magazines in the periodicals section like a pro! The means may change over time, but the underlying urge remains the same: to try to find a meaning behind all the experiences. WHY are they happening and WHERE are these experiences heading?

Most of us get obsessed with very strong feelings about the future-- a future we keep believing will be changed fundamentally, even traumatically for most, from what we experience today. Even our limited memories keep pointing to the aliens themselves as promoting these visions rather powerfully and repeatedly. Hence, why we all see our obsessions in this direction renewed with each abduction period-- we are re-exposed to the reality-bending that goes with contact along with whatever teaching and/or propaganda the aliens offer us. During these periods, abductees get rather-- INTENSE, both emotionally and intellectually.

During drier periods (such as what I've been experiencing for a while now) we calm down a great deal, and the vigor with which we pursued answers seems to wither away. A more mundane existence becomes normal once more, and we get caught up with the world everyone around us enjoys and endures routinely. Though questions remain, and we can never forget the craziness of our lives during those flaps, it is often easier to just let go of the need to understand it all-- at least for a while. We tend to our lives like everyone else until the next go-round creeps up and sends us back down the rabbit hole all over again!

When we're young, it is a little too easy to believe that we'll actually be the generation that will at last access the answers and see the BIG CHANGE we're told by the aliens is coming. Surely, there will a purpose to all our ignorance and suffering! There will be redemption at the end of a journey filled with frustration for the lost memories and fumblings in the dark!

But then another decade passes, and it's just more of the same... and then another decade. More flap periods, more wild searches, more reality bending that storms into your life, washing away the ground beneath you, and then leaves you washed up and yelling, "What the FUCK?" on a rocky and cold shore. It is a relentless 'hurry up and wait' cycle of capture and abandonment that leaves one utterly lost and in need of faith in something-- but, over and over again, faiths are stripped away and discarded, only to be taken up again with the next round.

Whenever there is a repeating pattern, people are prone to assign meaning. It's how we're built, we can't really help it. There may be those who read this and think that maybe the aliens are sweeping us away and then denying us answers as a part of some meaningful but benevolent lesson. I am skeptical that they do this for US. They do what they do for THEM. We're taken when they want us, and then we're dumped off for a while to manage as best we can-- until we're desired again. They are promoting preparation in us for big change. They are promoting pro-ecological behavior and global mindsets. They open our minds to subjects regarding reality in whole new ways. But all of that may be to create generations of people who may be more useful to them LATER. Who knows when that later will be? Will we even know when that later is here?!?!

Coming across my limited blog from almost a decade ago reminded me again of where my mind goes during and just after those abduction flaps. I remember my fever to find OTHER people talking about ideas that were already percolating in my mind-- and then comparing what THEY said to what I was already thinking! It was spooky how often a piece of this guy's stuff along with a bit of that's guy's stuff were present in my own scrambled coterie of notions. I don't normally pay attention to time-loops or reality branes or whatever-- except during or after abduction periods and then I am all over that shit!

Next week I'll write about my experiences at Sherry's. For now, I wanted to share some writing I had actually forgotten about before I forget again.

I need to stop forgetting.

Apr. 25th, 2017


My Reaction To A 'Suspicious' Person

I've begun trying to go on walks again. Nearly two months of constant flares have had me sitting on my butt far too much and I've lost some conditioning. So-- when I feel a little better I'm just going on very short walks of barely over a mile, reaching home with little in me to spare.

Today (Tuesday) I went for a walk and was only a couple of blocks from my home when I saw a fellow walker on my path heading towards me. Now, I see people all the time and never blink. It was the quietest time of the day, so not many people were out, but I still passed a few, even in the short time I was out on the pedestrian paths that weave all over these hills.

But this person heading towards me set off my radar. It was a very dark, cloudy day-- though dry (for a short time... Seattle area's been getting record rain for the last 2 years in an already notoriously rainy climate) and the woman was wearing big Jackie O sunglasses, which are back in style again. On such a dark day the enormous black glasses looked odd. I took notice at the discrepancy in normal behavior, but didn't get too worried, after all, maybe she has sensitive eyes. It happens.

Then she got closer and I notice she's wearing a shit ton of make-up. It is caked on! And my belly started to clench up. I couldn't help it. The woman was blond and taller than me, maybe 5'9" or 5'10", looked to be in shape and probably 30s-- though hard to tell under the huge glasses and thick make-up. As she drew closer, I couldn't help but stare. I noticed she was wearing shorts but also a knitted winter cap-- similar to what Waldo wears in the "Where's Waldo" books, except with the white and red reversed so that there was more white showing. That combo was also odd.

(The woman I saw wore white & red and her yellow-blond hair was straight and a little past shoulder-length. Her face was longer.)

I started to feel very uncomfortable. I didn't want to be mean and stare, but I was trying to see if she was normal or not. I tried to smile, but I don't know if I did so successfully. She reached into her pocket and I found myself grabbing my own pepper spray hidden in MY pocket! If she made any kind of threatening move, I was going to defend myself!

So, based entirely on an odd appearance, I became ever more upset and alarmed and found myself becoming rather aggressive! I would never make the first move, of course. But I actually felt ready to tangle with this person if she stepped out of line. I NEVER get that paranoid on walks! Even when I see strange men who seem a little off, I am wary but calm. I felt far more fear for this one tall, blond, slightly off-kilter woman than I ever normally do.

She passed me and smiled back and that made her seem more normal so I relaxed a little. But as soon as she passed me, I turned to make sure she kept going-- and then kept turning several times to keep checking. Her hat, from the back, looked like a red and white target symbol-- how ironic!
(She looked rather like this woman, actually-- but the glasses were bigger and rounder than this, and she was older.)

I doubt she was anything but human. When we got close to each other, I didn't get the 'presence' I would expect from a telepath-- that probably was more reassuring to me than her smile. But I have recently issued a challenge about what They would have to do to shut me up. There's a part of me who is prepared for a less-than-friendly answer! So I'm sure I'm more vigilant these days, but still--!

There was a level of paranoia that I found very uncomfortable. I know it was a coincidental series of triggers all piling up off this one woman, not to mention my writing lately of events in my past that were often overwhelming, that set me off. I don't want to be rude to perfect strangers just because they LOOK a little funny. I'm sure I look funny to some people with my stupidly long hair.

I suppose, though I didn't like maybe over-reacting, another part of me was proud I kept my composure, made sure to carefully observe the woman in question, and was prepared to defend myself should she physically threaten me-- not that I would expect that, but you never know. My trust levels are obviously quite low after all I've endured. They break promises and steal memories and I'm not okay with that and never will be.

If I'm wrong and we imagine that the tall blond woman WAS more than human, then I'm sure she now knows I'm alert and defensive, but able to control myself, even with an elevated level of fear. However, I'm sure she's just a regular person with some odd issues-- maybe she hates her face, who knows? I was pretty shocked at how quickly my fear escalated, though, just because of the combination of factors in her appearance. There's no doubt of the trauma there.

Apr. 21st, 2017


Coping Methods For Alien Abductions: Recognizing An Abduction Wave

One extremely important thing to know when dealing with abductions is when the next abduction wave has begun. There are occasional one-offs, of course, but those tend to be quick check-ups or overdue follow-ups. Most abductions, for whatever variety of reasons, tend to take place very close together during a period of several days, weeks, or even months. Recognizing when one of these waves starts is crucial to upping your own game and being able to meet what's coming head on.

I'm writing this, as I write all my 'Coping' posts, for those who are already certain they're being taken regularly. I'm talking about people who have seen aliens while awake, or partly remember abductions and then found physical evidence (scars, moved objects, being moved to a new location, etc.) If you're unsure, well-- that's another issue!

The greatest barrier to using this knowledge is that many of us, during quiet periods, contentedly return to pretending we're normal, and deal with the ups and downs of ordinary life as we must. Having to face that "they're BAA-ACK!" is not something we look forward to, so we can go into denial. We'll ignore signs and explain everything away almost as if all the things that happened in our past was just a big mistake or something, even if we know better. Maybe we're afraid we're just being paranoid... after all, quite often we will find that our suspicions are wrong and we were worried for no reason, right? There's also a good chance that it's being suggested to us strongly to not pay attention. It benefits our abductors to not be hassled or questioned or defended against.

Given all of this, it can often take an act of will to shake ourselves out of complacency, start actively paying attention and recording events and dreams, and step up our game.

If you've decided to do your best to 'not take this lying down' as it were, then knowing what to look for may help...

~ Missing time.

Gaps in memory (as in it SKIPS ahead in situations where you're not just zoned out playing a game or watching TV) is one of those smacks upside the head that most of us are unable to ignore. It can be powerfully confusing and distressing, especially for young people without cognitive dysfunctions or cranial injury. People don't just black out in the middle of something and come to in another location over an hour later! That's sort of the screaming alarm bell sign that even the most die-hard skeptical abductee can't make excuses for.

~ Close up sighting of a UFO.

I know it seems crazy to think that this would even have to be listed (because other than seeing actual aliens, how much more obvious can you get?) but-- I've actually ignored this one myself multiple times. During flaps (or waves of paranormal activity) I would experience so many odd things that adding a UFO here or there would be almost shrug-worthy. I would actually surmise that another person near-by was being abducted rather than conclude I was involved...

Oh, and by "close up" I mean that the object in question is both obviously nothing conventional, and at least as big as a pea held at arm's length; you can see details easily, it's not just a light that zig zags or zips oddly across the sky. If it's REALLY close up-- as in the size of a marble held at arm's length or bigger, then you're getting abducted that day/night or have just been abducted! Check the time!

~ Constant upsetting dreams of UFOs, aliens, or strange beings.

Even if these dreams are not partial memories, but just dreams-- if you start having them frequently, chances are good that your brain is trying to process a lot of shit that you may not remember consciously. Especially if you're not watching shows or reading books on these kinds of topics, why are you suddenly dreaming like this? Also note use of word 'upsetting.'

Dreams of floating or flying, when they repeat at the same time as abduction-like dreams, are also worthy of note.

~ Odd physical changes are noticeable when you wake up in bed-- and you weren't drinking the night before.

This could be your night clothes inside-out (if you're sure they were correct when you went to bed), waking up with your head wrong way on the bed (foot end), finding blood spots on your pillow (and you don't normally get nose bleeds), missing a tampon or pad that you went to bed with, finding obvious marks (bruises, scars, burns) on your body, or even developing a sudden rash or shedding skin in odd patterns like you've fast-healed from a sunburn (without any signs of a burn.)

~ Waking to the sensation of slowly falling into bed, followed by covers coming down over you (as if lifted by air, not placed by hand).

Everyone gets quick "I'm falling" jerky sensations while sleeping sometimes, especially when young-- but this is more complicated than that. It is more controlled and slower, very gentle-- not jerking and abrupt.

Especially pay attention if this is followed by the sound of military jets flying low over your house at the same time or shortly thereafter! It seems that the U.S. Military scrambles jets (which suggests they are NOT in league with aliens...) to intercept or chase away UFOs. This has happened multiple times to me when returned from several abductions, which may be why They begin to resort to opening portals into people's houses directly.

~ Developing sudden obsessions and compulsions when normally you are not prone to them.

This may be one of the most reliable signs I've found that is the easiest to dismiss because it's all in our heads! Obsessions with aliens and UFOs will pop up out of no where and you'll find yourself thinking about them constantly when perhaps you haven't in months or years. Sub-obsessions with babies, the future of the world, and teaching classes about ordinary life, when added to the UFO/alien material, should add to the suspicion.

Compulsions include intense desires to drive or walk to secluded locations, especially if you're normally too scared to do such a thing! This can also include odd compulsions to buy things that you normally wouldn't for no reason you can fathom, i.e. clothes that are not your size or that of anyone you know. I'm not talking about 'shopping therapy'-- but about an out-of-character NEED to purchase items that don't make sense. Especially if later...

~ Items in your house disappear (or reappear) obviously without explanation.

This used to be rather rare, but has become ubiquitous for many. Abductees may find the need to buy ordinary items that nonetheless don't make any sense to buy which subsequently disappear. Sometimes things just around the house disappear and then reappear obviously, often in blatant, unusual locations-- even years and years later! If you don't know any addicts, have no light-fingered friends or family, and the things that disappeared weren't worth anything, take note of that.

~ Sudden phobias that develop out of no where.

Suddenly you may find you're afraid of dogs or clowns or raw eggs-- and there's no explanation, the fears just pop up one day and may go away within months or stay for the rest of your life. Getting a waking memory that explains the fear often helps alleviate it or even make it disappear completely. Processing trauma requires access to memory.

~ Crazy insomnia!!!!

You begin sleeping more lightly, walking up easily, and having a hard time relaxing without awake people moving around the household and/or neighborhood. You may find you can only sleep during the day or at other locations besides your own home, or maybe just not in your own bed. Every single abduction wave I ever had brought back terrible insomnia for me without exception. My body knew I was in a period of possible 'attack' and responded accordingly.

~ Odd light balls dashing around and light flashes.

Silent balls of light from the size of marbles, to tennis ball sized, to beach ball sized, floating and dashing around your home, both inside and out-- can go through solid objects, actually cast a shadow in other lights, and leave no trace-- are sure signs you're being scouted out. I would sometimes think the balls were ghosts or something-- but they were always an early marker of an abduction wave taking place at a NEW location, like after we moved to a new home or when renting a vacation home or while visiting someone overnight.

Light flashes either inside your home or outside at night that can't possibly be lightning are also highly suspicious-- especially if green for some reason.

~ A sudden upsurge in haunting or poltergeist phenomena in a previously quiet and ordinary home.

By this I mean odd tapping and knocking sounds, electrical disturbances, plumbing going haywire, radios, TVs and phones picking up odd sounds or voices, cutting in and out-- when normally everything works fine (check for solar flares on this one, though, as they can cause some freaky effects with electronics as well.) It won't just be one weird thing, it'll be multiple weird things, often over and over again.

This also includes suddenly seeing ghost-like entities or even very odd beings like hairy dwarves or floating cats or little people! In folklore, such waves were considered to be a Faerie Attack. Seems like there are a lot of those when portals are used or the aliens are around using their dimensional-bending technology frequently in the location of your home.

I will include pets acting strange (scared or hostile), running away, disappearing, or refusing to go into some areas of a home or property with this one as they seem to be symptoms that bundle together.

~ Strange people being spotted that stare at you, your vehicle, or your home.

This one is more rare, but really gets the paranoia going if it happens. When I say 'strange' I mean they may actually look out of place obviously by their clothes, manner and even physical looks (in which case they don't tend to stay around long). Ordinary people can sometimes also be spotted that nonetheless give you an uneasy sense of the uncanny. Maybe they remind you of someone else you've seen earlier, or maybe they just don't have a reason to be watching. Take precautions (they could be burglars casing your home, afterall) and be prudent!

If you're sure they're not 'normal' people, I've found that grabbing a camera and going right out to take pics of them obviously will stop the harassment immediately. Feel free to call the police for repeat offenders that seem to be stalking you, just don't mention the paranormal angle.

~ Noticing that you're suddenly much more psychic than normal.

By this, I tend to notice 2 particular kinds of 'psychic' ability surge greatly. 1- Having dreams about the near-future that come true or just knowing things about the near future that then come true. (Sadly, it's rarely something useful, like-- say, winning lottery numbers or something!) 2- Heightened telepathy with certain other people (not everyone, oddly) where you may actually hear them talk to themselves in their head or just know what they're thinking, even when it's not related to what's going on at the moment, the conversation, or what you're both listening to or watching.

In other words, I'm talking about quickly verifiable fore-knowledge or telepathy. I've learned to ask people if they're thinking this or that and then watch their faces. If they looked shocked, you've probably hit it square. Make sure you only do this with people who already know you have an odd side of your life and are okay with it, though, or you could lose a lot of friends. Most people treasure their mental privacy!

~ Starting to feel as if you have a special, all-important MISSION involving the future-- again.

This one comes and goes for most of us from childhood onward. When it pops up again, pay attention-- what is making you suddenly feel this so strongly NOW? I think an aspect of this is in the back of every abductee's mind, but we don't know what the mission IS exactly (though a few have a slight clue) or what to do with the idea/feeling, so we shrug and get on with life. I think this sense of mission gets periodically renewed and that's a definite sign a new wave of abductions has begun again.

The point here is to realize that a LOT of events will begin to simultaneously occur when a new flap is underway. Not all of them every time, but certainly several at a time during every single abduction wave. The longer the wave, the harder it is to ignore!

The key here is to be cognizant of the signs early on so as to be prepared to meet these encounters with a plan and to establish and/or maintain the habit of recording all memories and dreams. The longer you wonder in confusion, or stay in denial, the more opportunities you lose to have your head in the game.

Apr. 19th, 2017


Square Portal Extra

Remember when I said writing everything down pays off?

Yeah-- about that...

So I found an account I wrote a few months after the portal in the kitchen incident, and I found that I was pretty much on the mark -- except, yeah, I did forget one part of the conversation with Gwen after I first passed into the ship from the kitchen:

Still looking around in confusion and wonder, I said something like, "This is just crazy. There's a HOLE in the WALL!"

Gwen continued to chuckle merrily, "Oh, yeah! The little guys put holes in walls all the time. Just last month they put one in my CLOSET!"

When she mentioned 'little guys' I knew she meant the Greys. And her mention of them putting a portal in her closet made me think of all those childhood fears so many people have with closets... How perfect was that set up? I mean, your kids complain about monsters in the closet-- and the monsters are actually coming out of (and going into) the closet! Closets are cut off from the rest of the house, yet have direct access to the bedroom where you sleep. So devious!

I will be adding this scene to my post, but I wanted to be sure those who already read it didn't miss this tidbit!

So, even my super clear memory failed me when I didn't check my writings from around the time it happened. Perfect example of why it is so crucial to write this stuff down ASAP. Case in point-! Details are very easily lost. Even things you think you could never forget. Don't be cocky-- write things down!

Another thing I wanted to touch on again was the remarkable way my awareness and memory was going IN and OUT throughout the entire sequence of events. Normal to suppressed to normal again and back. The odd and amazing thing was that even though I forgot things DURING the visitation/intrusion, I managed to stitch the parts back together at the very end. I suspect that this is one reason why most abductions, even if you remember parts, you can't remember other parts. Your mind gets scrambled multiple times, made cogent when needed, then scrambled again. Its a freakin' miracle we ever remember anything!

Which is why, ultimately, I'm angry enough to share EVERYTHING. If they treated me with some respect, allowed me to remember, and just asked me to keep it a secret, I'd cooperate. But I don't even remember being told not to share! Nope! I have a vague 'feeling' they'd rather I didn't talk about it, but you know what? I have no actual memory of being instructed not to tell. So-- no memory, doesn't count!

This was a big one because I strongly suspect they don't want people/governments to know they can just bust dimensional-bending portals into anyplace from their own safe zones. We're really pretty screwed. I mean, how do you barricade yourself against a hole into your space from theirs at any time? You can't. We are sitting ducks. Fish in a barrel. Pick your cliche and insert it HERE.

So-- I don't care if I'm giving away their secrets. They've been fucking with my head for years, and I'm pissed off about it. They could take a different tack and work with me, but they refuse, so screw 'em! You aliens want me to shut up? Then talk to me while awake and don't screw with my memory or my ability to think in a straight line anymore! Until then, I do everything I can to tell as many people as possible about what the aliens are doing and become a thorn in your hole-punching, mind-fucking, sides!

=^D    Just doing my best to not take this meekly! You're welcome!

In a couple of days, in my Coping post, I will be talking about clues that the aliens have been around. Things that tend to pop up either directly afterwards, or for a few days to weeks. Realizing they're around means you can be more prepared for the next intrusion or abduction, since they tend to schedule visits in waves.

Previous 10